You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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