i already hear my dad disowning me
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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