JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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