My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
