I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
