someone owes me an orgasm
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
