dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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