Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
