I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
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