people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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