the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
