Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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