When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
