You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
