If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
