I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
I did not marry a roomba.
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