It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Randomize
