Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Help. Why am I so naked?
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
