I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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