I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
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