When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
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