im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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