Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize