got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I want to be your penis for a week.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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