can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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