Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
