"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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