After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
