a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
