she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
