six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Just invented taco cereal.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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