i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
