Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I am one with the molecules
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
