Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
the liver wants what the liver wants
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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