i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
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