Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
