i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
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