Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Randomize
