the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
