Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
