So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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