you didnt know i had herpes?
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
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