while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
