A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
