Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
i drank out of a bidet.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Randomize
