FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
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