Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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