mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
