Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
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