yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
