you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
