alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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