I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
