I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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