please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
