there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
