Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
