I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
